An Open Letter to All Spammer /Scammers.

I have been getting emails like the one below (which I received a couple of days ago) for a few years now. The sender always seems to have a very English sounding name, but for some reason does not have a good command of the English language (this one is better in that regard than most).

Here is the spammer email just as I received it. I did change the name and omitted the address in case they borrowed those from a 3rd party.

GOOD DAY,
MY NAME IS RICHARD MORRIS AND I AM LOOKING TO ORDER TO SOME(DINING TABLE) WHICH WILL BE PICKED UP FROM YOUR STORE.THESE (DINING TABLE) ARE TO BE SHIPPED TO MY NEW COMPANY IN (SWEDEN) WITH THE SHIPPING I WILL RECOMMEND A SHIPPING COMPANY TO YOUR LOCATION FOR THIS PICK UP ,CAN YOU GIVE ME THE PRICE OF THE (DINING TABLE) THAT YOU HAVE FOR SALE…

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARD FOR THIS ORDER?

HOPE TO READ FROM YOU SOON AS THE QUOTE IS READY.

COMPANY NAME: Morris&Son.Co..Ltd
COMPANY ADDRESS: (Sweden)
COMPANY LOCATION: Sweden
THANK YOU,
RICHARD MORRIS

My Response………………….

Hello to you Richard Morris,

This is my read to you for the quote that is ready.

I am (You-know-who) and I do make these (dining table), I am so very sorry but I am not in the slightest way accepting credit card, It is in fact my firm belief that credit card are part of Beelzebub’s (the DEVIL !!!!) master plan. I do however accept gold bullion—- for these (dining table).

The price is 3 (very large) wheel barrels chocked full of gold bullion. I know what you are thinking – this is nuts because it will cost me extra money to ship the 3 wheel barrels full of gold bullion. NOT TO WORRY! I have run into this problem before and have you covered. First of all, you do not have to go to the full expense of purchasing 3 wheel barrels and shipping them to me (chocked full with said gold bullion). Just go and purchase one (very large) wheel barrel – load it chocked full (no cheating here now – it must be CHOCKED FULL) of said gold bullion – unload the gold bullion and set it aside – then do this 2 more times -this then is your 3 wheel barrel payment of (chocked full gold bullion) – you don’t have to ship the wheel barrel! You can in fact take the wheel barrel back to the hardware store and demand a full refund ( just a note from my own experience – if you act very indignant it will greatly improve you chances of getting the full refund) – but my sense of fairness does not stop here – – calculate the actual cost of shipping (the gold bullion) and remove that amount of gold bullion from the pile ( again no cheating – its’ not that I don’t trust you – but I will be double checking your figures).

You must realize that as a business man I can not however be burdened with every little expense and as you have seen I am very fair about meeting you part way in these matters. I feel it is therefore your responsibility to provide an armed guard for the (gold bullion) while it is in transit.


One more thing – As you can imagine I am receiving shipments of (gold bullion) on a daily basis for purchase of my (furniture). It is therefore extremely important to clearly label your shipment and reference this email. It is my company policy that any shipments of (gold bullion) that are received without adequate labeling will be held for a period of only 30-days before it is moved to my big vault and considered a part of my company’s general assets. I again know what you are thinking – this is a pretty uncaring and cold manner in which to conduct business. But you really need to put you two feet in my two shoes for a moment and look at it from my point of view – (you know things are not always as they seem until you see things from the other persons perspective). I receive a number of (gold Bullion) shipments every week without proper labeling (its appalling how so many people are so sloppy in their handwriting and labeling) – if not labeled properly these shipments then take up an unacceptable amount of space on my shop floor – my shop space is a major asset for my business – If all I have is piles of gold bullion taking up space in my shop – how do you expect me to get any work done and in turn provide an adequate living for my family?

Again I am very pleased that you are so eager to do business with my company and I look forward to receiving your shipment of (gold bullion).

Yours truly,

(you-know-who)



6 replies
  1. Dorset Custom Furniture
    Dorset Custom Furniture says:

    Thank You Darrell, You just gave an extra smile to the smile I already have because we took an extra day off (today) for the fourth … I have a file for of these emails and Will and I have talked of making a nice wall screen or table top with these things sealed in with varnish. They used to annoy me, but now I (like you, obviously) treat them as a source of somewhat unusual entertainment. Love the ones where the relatives die …

    Reply
  2. chris@flairwoodworks
    chris@flairwoodworks says:

    Darrell,

    Either that response was canned, or you have too much time on your hands (presumably because you can't work in your boullion-filled shop).

    That brings up an interesting question for us who live to work (as opposed to those of us who work to live): Would you rather have a shop full of gold boullion or a shop in which you can work? Me? The latter.

    Reply

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